Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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