the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
