Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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