Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.