Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?