I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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