i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
