you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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