some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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