I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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