She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize