totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
