Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
