Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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