the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
