So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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