Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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