I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
