well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
