Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
