I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
