i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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