I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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