Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
