does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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