Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
