I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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