if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
