I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
