like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
