Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
