He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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