i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
