im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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