So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize