Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
