hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
