YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm