I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
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and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
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Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.