There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
