her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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