I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my phone needs a breathalizer
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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