I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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