I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
