ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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