Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
