Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
