I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
