Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
