I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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