Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
