Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
