her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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