Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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