im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
