Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
