I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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