Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
